Facade
by Eternal Darkness
Summary: Daisuke's tired of pretending to be someone he's not...(sorry, i suck at summaries) one-side Daiken, suicide


Facade

Warnings: some language, suicide, yaoi (one-sided Daiken)

(Daisuke's POV) 

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother living. Or at least what's kept his kept me going this long. Maybe I'm afraid of death? No…I've faced it one too many times to fear it anymore. If my reason was friends I think I'd killed myself long ago. Family would be just as big a joke. My parents could care less about me. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that didn't involve me being yelled at for my grades in school. My sister Jun is the only one who paid me any attention. But now that she's finally stopped stalking Yamato and got a real boyfriend, I don't exist anymore unless she needs me to cover for her. Some family…

None of my 'friends' know what I'm really like. I'm not the bubbly, hyper, courageous, friendly guy they think I am. That's just a façade, one that apparently works well. They don't see the Daisuke Motomiya that's hurt by their insults, however small they might be. The one that does his best to gain their respect, since friendship seems to be out of the question. They've never seen the one that silently hates them all for judging him only by surface, or the one who cuts himself on a regular basis. 

Takeru…always the one who hated me because he thought I was a threat to 'his girl'. Stupid reason, especially because I never liked her in the first place. Half the moves I made on her were to either annoy Takeru or it was part of my façade. 

Hikari…as pure as she thinks she is, she's nothing but a manipulating little bitch. Constantly toying with Takeru and attempting to toy with me. I just went along with it, toying with her as well. I knew what she was really like, and I feel sorry for Takeru. Hikari doesn't even like boys in the first place.

Miyako…the most self-absorbed person I know. Half the time, the only things on her mind are boys. If not that, then she's only thinking about herself. And she always makes it clear what she feels, but never stops to think how anyone else feels. It's really annoying.

Iori…even though he never said it, I know the kid hates me. He makes that much clear in his in his silent glares and occasional remarks. The feeling's mutual.

I stand here now in the bathroom mirror, wondering if any of them would miss me if I was gone. Probably not. They wouldn't miss _me, _they'd miss the Daisuke that was a mask. The one who never let anything get to him and who always had a 'live life to the fullest' attitude. The one they could insult until the sun went down and just assume he was too stupid to remember later.

I hate him. I hate him for taking the life I should've had. For becoming a mask so convincing, no one ever saw past the surface. For reflecting nothing but lies. The mirror is truthful at least. It shows my sadness, the scars, my pain, my true self, everything. Even when I slam my fist into the glass it remains accurate. Shattered, just like my life. The pain from the cuts doesn't bother me, and I don't even clean up the blood. What's the point? More will be joining it soon anyway.

I pick up a jagged piece of glass and stare at my reflection for a long time, trying to think of one reason, any reason, not to do this. I come up with only one…

'_Ken…'_

The thought of him alone almost makes me set down the glass. Ken would be sad if I was gone. He was different from the others. Very different. Smart, kind, silent, and beautiful. I loved everything about him. From his soft amethyst eyes to his quiet intelligence. But the problem was, I loved _him. _Another guy. Who also happened to be my best and only friend. I knew I could never have him, and even if there was some slim chance he loved me back, he deserved better…

It didn't even hurt when I slashed my wrist open. Maybe I was beyond pain at that point. I watched my blood run from the wound into the carpet before making an identical gash on my right wrist. I wouldn't be long now I knew. Already my vision was starting to get a little blurry as I tossed the stained piece of glass into the sink, sending a few splatters of my blood onto the counter as well. The crimson really stood out against the light blue of the sink. Some splattered on my D-Terminal that was on the counter, reminding me that I still hadn't sent the e-mails yet. I picked it up carefully, trying not to stain it up anymore.

As I slid to the floor and leaned against the bathtub, I suddenly regretted this decision. It was running away from my problems, and I'd never run from anything before. Not even when things got bad…but then again, nothing had gotten this bad before. But I guess it didn't matter now. Nothing did. Not the blood, the slight throbbing in my wrists, the way the room was darkening slightly, or my tears. I didn't know why I was crying, but that didn't matter either…

I stared at the bright green screen of my D-Terminal and at the message that still needed to be sent to the others. After a moment I pressed the little 'send' button on the computer with some difficulty, forwarding the same message to all of the Destined. With any luck, one of them would be paying attention when it beeped. Not that it would matter if they did or not, there was nothing any of them could do for me now. Not that they did much for me in the first place.

Before I shut the Terminal down, I scrolled through my list of Digimentals. Courage…what courage? I was taking the easiest way out from everything. I was running away. Friendship…that's a laugh. Miracles…the only miracle is how I survived this long. I didn't deserve any of them. I wasn't like Taichi, courageous and brave. I wasn't like Yamato, wise and surrounded by so many friends. I wasn't even myself. With a sigh I closed my computer and sat it on the floor and closed my eyes to wait for the darkness to take me…

~*~

Daisuke's E-mail

__

To everyone,

I'm sorry you guys hate me so much, even though I'm not entirely sure what I did to make you guys hate me in the first place. I know I acted like an asshole and a jerk half the time, but I just want you to know that's not how I really am. I don't know why I never let my true self show. I guess I was afraid of letting anyone get close enough. Pretty funny coming from me huh? But it's true. I never had any friends acting like myself, but at least I had one and a half acting like the hyperactive, big-mouthed boy you guys think you know so well. That's an improvement. 

But I'm not sending this so I can talk about my fucked up life. I'm sending you this to let you guys know you've won. I'm just too tired to deal with this anymore. All the insults, both to my face and behind my back. Being toyed with and jerked around for everyone else's amusement. I know the only reason you guys let me be leader was so you could have someone to blame when things didn't go like we planned. Don't try to deny it, I heard Miyako say it one of those days I was 'late'. I'm never late. Half the times I wait purposely until you guys are all there just to hear what you have to say. There wasn't a time I've listened that someone didn't have something cruel to say. It's like you were purposely trying to break me. I wish Ken had of been there those times. He would've shut you all up in a second. But now, none of you will have to worry about that anymore…

Takeru…I never really hated you. I hated the fact that you were too stuck in Hikari's lies to notice how she played around with you, and how you lashed out at me if I even talked to her. So why was I after Hikari in the first place? I never was. It was just apart of my new façade I created. So was annoying you. I'm sorry for messing with you, but I had to. Surprised I could be that clever when I can't even pronounce your nickname right? I can, as well as your real name and both your last names. I can spell them too. I'm not nearly as stupid as you think.

Hikari…how does it feel to know I was toying with you the entire time? Hurts, doesn't it? Now, try to imagine feeling like that everyday for the last two years. That's how I feel. Am I sorry for manipulating you? No. Do I feel guilty for it? No. You never seemed to so why would I?

Miyako…your bluntness will be your undoing one day. You're gonna say the wrong thing to the wrong person and regret it for the rest of your life. Or maybe you do regret it now.

Iori…I know you always judge people only on what you see and that's unfortunate. We never did know each other well, and you never knew how I was really like at all. How do you feel knowing you never will?

Ken…I'm sorry. I really am. None of this is your fault, no there's nothing you could've done, and don't blame yourself for not seeing through my façade. I know how you can be with guilt trips. I just want you to know that…I love you. I'm sorry I do. Please don't hate me.

I know this is only running away from my problems, but like I said, I'm just too tired anymore. Tired of pretending to be something I'm not. Tired of hiding my feelings from everyone. Tired of this game. Well, even they have to end sometime, and this one has too. Game over. You've finally won…


End file.
